OH HELLO, IT’S BEEN A WHILE…
My website hasn't changed in a while, my Instagram is a mix of archive photos and some "recent" shoots. But let's be honest I haven't really been doing much over the last year or two. And let me tell you my heart and soul are aching whilst my imposter syndrome and fear of creative failure keep creeping up. This already sounds like a sappy negative story about an artist's dying soul. So what has been up and what is the deal right now?
Let's circle back to the beginning: I don't really remember when I started to use a camera for the first time but in 2018/2019 I found a desire to shoot portraits and that started to spark a lot of ideas. I didn't stop shooting, my mind was racing and I taught myself A LOT about photography. Shot a lot of events to teach me even more and to keep up with my gear needs. Then had an epiphany in 2020 about fashion photography and a more stripped-back look I wanted to achieve. Took me a year, a lot of decisions, gut and covid to finally dip my feet in the pool. 2021 was great: shot a lot of TFP shootings, learned a lot about the world of fashion photography and just let my creative spirit go out and about. And then I came to a standstill in 2022. I loved where I was going and had some income from event photography the years prior. But these event gigs weren't my thing anymore and were only making me feel bad about photography. And then - I still regret that moment - I just stopped shooting passion projects, because I hated to shoot. My anxiety and imposter syndrome got the best of me. Creativity was not flowing. I came back from every shoot that year and deeply hated almost every single picture. I always felt like I failed shoots and myself. And even when other creatives around me reported back with the same thoughts and the same emotional waves of doubt, I felt like I had no right to call myself a photographer let alone an artist. The end of 2022 and 2023 was all about me taking a step back from photography, focussing on my bachelor's degree, getting a job and trying to figure out what is really going on with my imposter syndrome.
And I still haven't gotten to a point where I can give you an answer. I feel like every creative is instilled with this problem of not feeling like your view of the world around you is legitimate. Making yourself feel like a fraud in the world of classic art, modern art, music, literature, etc. And I know that photography is also an equally important medium to express your personal art with, buuut in this day and age "everyone can pick up a camera and click a button and call it art". I think my problem is that I don't see myself as an artist, because I haven't found my creative voice yet. And that's what I want to explore. So 2024 is not about, making money and finding clients and being a working, legitimate and booked photographer. It'll be about being creative, bringing my visions to life AND building a team of like-minded creatives that just want to create art and grow together.
So what's the plan? I will keep you updated on that. For now I just wanted to send a sign of life to this dried out creative plant called my website.
XX Vanessa